I’ve always been a perfectionist at some level, always feeling like I shoundn’t show or say anything to anyone unless it’s perfect.
Saying that, I’m still wondering if I should say that I’m a perfectionist when I’m way far from a “perfect” person.
When someone asks me about my personal things, I don’t talk much about it in detail openly, and that often made people say, “You’re very secrecy person.”
I’m not proud of this, but I bet there are quite a few people who had some conversations with me and still felt like “I can’t get to know her even though I’m trying…”
I really feel bad about that, but my excuse is, that something my perfectionism caused.
However, something someone recently told me shifted my idea, and I gradually came to think that it’s okay to show my flaws and how imperfect I am to other people, since I’ll never be “perfect” anyway!
It was a very simple, yet very kind advice.
Before I jump into that, I’d like to talk a little about why (at least I think) I became a perfectionist in the first place.
Basically, I’m a very goofy and clumsy person.
I’m painfully terrible at anything when I just started. I feel nervous and vulnerable when I meet new people and can’t help acting weirdly. I forget things easily and drop something and bump into something quite often.
The perfectionism might be one way of a return action of me being full of flaws.
Trying to hide how awkward and weird I actually am, I do everything I can do that helps me to feel a little bit more prepared, confident, secured, and decent.
That always made me feel like “Anything I take time for and work on, have to be perfect.” Or, “I shouldn’t tell anything negative about me by myself, because people must already know plenty, and there’s no need to add to that.”
Then, someone noticed that I’m trapped within my own “you-can’t-say-or-show-anything-unless-that’s-perfeft” belief, and told me this:
“It’s okay that you have flaws.
That doesn’t make you any less, but just relatable, lovable, and familiar to others.
And your flaws can give them chances to help you, and to get to know you.
There might be someone who prefer more powerful, super independent person that can almost do anything by his or herself, and you may or may not be their favorite, but are they really worth caring?”
That really took a weight off my mind.
At that moment, I finally could thought “Yeah, it might be okay to show my weakness and get some help sometimes… Well, it should be..”
I know that even before I’ve been always helped so much by so many people, but my
respond to that was wrong.
I always felt sorry when somebody helped me.
But now I know, there’s no need to be sorry and I just should have been grateful.
Some part of me is still a perfectionist, but I’m always trying not to be.
For example, this very blog is still on a way of perfecting… in other (and better) words, bettering. There are tons of things left to be improved or fixed.
However, if I had waited until everything becomes perfect, … I would have never been able to launch this blog!
I thought so and chose to launch anyway, before I think too much.
Especially this, English version of posts, were terrifying for me to show anyone. It clearly lets people see how imperfect my English still is. But if I cared about it too much, I would keep missing opportunities to practice and improve.
Showing my true self, inclung flaws, is someting I’ve always tried to avoid.
Honestly, I have no idea where this can lead me to, but somehow, I strongly feel this can cause some great changes about myself. I’m just looking forward what will happen.