Even without noticing, I think I slipped into self deprecation, in a little unhealthy way.
I’ve been too humble, too modest, and always holding back my feelings too much, for a few years.
I’ve been doing that too much that that became so natural to me. I can tell that from the fact that now sometimes I don’t even realize when I’m putting myself down a little too much, unless someone else point it out.
Maybe this weird level of humility slowly arose after I graduated from university and started working, and while I was working, it gradually invaded my personality.
There were some moments that I noticed that I am a little less confident comparing to myself a few years ago, but I didn’t care very much since I was thinking like, ” Ah this must be something people call, growing up, or being mature, or being an adult.”
But, is it really?
When I was a little younger, whenever I met somebody who were older than me and well put together, I was often impressed by how graceful and calm they seemed, and how good they were at controlling their emotions all the time, but maybe I misinterpreted what they were actually doing, and failed to be like them.
There are some people who gradually learn to give up on things and accept the situation as it is, with age.
There are some people who quit trying to realize something, or expressing what they are really feeling, over years.
None of them are cool. I always thought so.
However, now I’m afraid if I somehow became one of them, even before I knew.
No matter what you do, how you take others’ reactions, and how you respond to them, everything you do is your choice. It should be your choice.
So being like this…. should be my own choice. It should be something I thought it would be good to act this way, and I chose to do. whether consciously or subconsciously.
However now I feel as if I’m stuck or trapped into a little box, feeling hard to breathe.
Honestly, I have no idea what I can do to fix this situation.
But if I keep hiding in that box, being scared and holding back my true feelings, I will always be staring at out of the window, all the good things passing by just in front of the box, wishing if I could get out and experience them, not being stuck.
I used to be someone who never stays inside of the box, but know, I have no idea how I can get out.
I don’t really know if the way I was in the past, restlessly working almost without fear, being like an super extrovert, is necessarily the right way to live, but I’m sure that I was participating and enjoying opportunities a lot more than I am now.
This should be something I should be working on really hard for a while.